For Richer Or Poorer: Advice for Couples Planning on a Worry-Free Future
This is a guest post from Robert A. Dienelt, a Financial Advisor and Accredited Asset Management Specialist (AAMS) from Jackson, Mississippi. While Family Fairness usually discusses the legal side of family planning, Robert will be talking about financial considerations all couples should make before marrying, registering their civil union or domestic partnership, or using legal documents to grant their partners rights.
Every spousal financial relationship is unique. Through the years, couples develop their own systems for handling financial matters. Sometimes it is one partner's responsibility to manage all finances, sometimes the other's, and sometimes a combination. Whatever the situation, certain information should be shared.
Couples should consider mutual responsibility for and knowledge of:
- Retirement plans: Take time to fully acquaint each other with employer retirement benefits. Both partners should have current knowledge of pension plans, 401(k) accounts, and IRAs. For a complete picture of expected retirement benefits, become familiar with each other's Social Security benefits as well. Understanding retirement benefit information will bring clarify and facilitate retirement planning.
- Credit card documents: This one can be scary. Some may prefer to not know how much credit card debt their spouse has accumulated. But it's wise to know where to find account numbers in case one loses his or her wallet and needs the other to help cancel the card. Also, mutual awareness of credit card debt amounts will help with developing a family's overall financial plan.
- Power of attorney: It is generally a good idea to have power of attorney on any individually owned assets, just in case one partner becomes ill or otherwise unavailable. Power of attorney can be limited to specific functions for a certain period, such as selling stocks or withdrawing money while traveling. A broad document that authorizes each partner to handle almost any situation in the other's absence is also a consideration.
- Wills, trusts, and life insurance: It's especially important to share information about wills, trusts, and life insurance if either has been married before. There could be restrictions on how some assets may be used and beneficiaries left unchanged by mistake. Most important, make sure each partner knows where to find the will and can easily access it if something were to happen.
- Health insurance policies: Most insurance companies will cover care administered in the first 24 to 48 hours of a medical emergency, even if the coverage details have not been sorted out. But the situation isn't as clear with hospital visits that are less urgent. If each partner is covered under a different insurance plan, both should be familiarized with the requirement "hoops" they may have to jump through. If one spouse had a sudden illness, would the other know which doctor to call first to get an okay for treatment? If not, they risk running up big bills at an out-of-network doctor.
- Business loans: If one spouse owns a business or is a partner in a professional firm, both should know about any personally guaranteed loans. It is critical to be aware of liabilities since household assets can be hit if the business can't repay the loan.
While many don't necessarily need to know everything about their spouse's finances, maintaining a working knowledge of the above points can help maintain proper, balanced control over a family's financial affairs.
Have a question, comment, or response? Share your thoughts.How to take care of your children after you die
Certainly no one enjoys acknowledging their mortality. But there is a lot more to estate planning than simply thinking about your own death. Young parents are particularly guilty of not making arrangements in the event of their passing, which can leave young children in a difficult place financially and emotionally. Gay and lesbian parents often have particularly tragic cases, especially when their families cannot be held together by the benefits of marriage.
Fortunately, there are three relatively quick and easy steps to take that can help ensure that your children will be taken care of:
- Pick and name guardians - Make a list of short- and long-term guardians you want taking care of your children if you pass away. This will enable you to ensure that your children will be raised by the persons of your choice rather than, for example, a parent with whom you ideologically disagree. You can select your partner to be your child's guardian, which is especially useful if your partner has not completed a second parent adoption (which he/she should). You can also name siblings, friends, or other members of your family to care for your children in the event that both you and your partner are not able.
- Get Life Insurance Policy - Your selected guardian will likely not be prepared for the sudden extra expense your children will bring. To ensure that your child's quality of care is still sufficient, a life insurance policy helps to smooth the financial transition. For just a small amount of money each month, you can receive peace of mind that your children's guardian will have the financial resources to care for him or her. This is especially necessary if you are the primary earner in the relationship and your partner would need to care for your children.
- Leave behind mementos - Surely we plan to be around for all of the major stages in our child's life, but in the event of our early passing, your child may be deprived of having his or her mother or father with them during those important times. Leaving behind voice or video recordings or letters is a wonderful gift for a child who may have been too young at the time of your death to remember you and your life lessons. Leaving behind such a legacy will mean your child can still benefit from your values even if you are not there to provide them.
A good estate planning attorney should be able to assist you in all of these areas, as well draft a will or trust to handle your property. All of these steps just require a bit of pre-planning to help avoid a great deal of burden later on. While planning for the worst is difficult, the comfort of knowing that things will be taken care of is a substantial reward.
Have a question, comment, or response? Share your thoughts.How ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ affects gay families and what to do about it
Family Fairness was created shortly after President Obama's election, and I believed that this blog would never have to address Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT), the policy responsible for the discharge of approximately 13,000 gay and lesbian soldiers. Sixteen years after its inception, the homophobic law remains in place, burdening an estimated 150,000 families of forcibly closeted servicemen and women. In honor of Memorial Day, and to recognize the sacrifice of the many gays and lesbians in our armed forces, I would like to take a moment to explore the impact of DADT on families, and what can be done to help alleviate the problems until the policy is revoked.
DADT states that "[t]he military will discharge members who engage in homosexual conduct, which is defined as a homosexual act, a statement that the member is homosexual or bisexual, or a marriage or attempted marriage to someone of the same gender." Gay and lesbian members of the military must keep their families a secret for fear of discharge. One gay service member even explains that putting up a photo of your partner or child can be a risk because it provokes questions from peers and superiors. This forced secrecy means LGB soldiers cannot request the benefits available to heterosexual families for their own partners or children. Families of gay and lesbians are barred from receiving survivor benefits, living in military housing, and having access to the Department of Defense's support network. Even more troubling, children face often impossible hurtles in receiving healthcare, education, and other necessities typically furnished to military families. Special accommodations for soldiers with ill or pregnant family members or special needs children are withheld from gays and lesbians who must keep their relationships concealed.
Unfortunately, many of the obstacles these families face cannot be overcome while DADT is in place. However, there are a few steps that can be taken. Gay service members and their partners are advised to consult a competent attorney who can assess their individual situation and proscribe a plan. Though attorney-client privilege prevents your military judge advocate general (JAG) from sharing your sexuality with your superiors, some gays and lesbians still feel uncomfortable opening up to a military lawyer. For them, a private practitioner would be a better choice, as the federal government has absolutely no jurisdiction over these conversations.
The most important thing to consider is the variety of alternatives to marriage available to same-sex couples, particularly the rights that can be obtained during estate planning. Setting up a health care proxy will give your partner the ability to make medical decisions for you in the event that you are unable. A durable power of attorney agreement goes even further, and enables your partner to make almost any legal decision for you on your behalf. Naturally, it is also a good idea to prepare a will or trust that can provide for your partner and family in the event of your death. Finally, if you and your partner share a child, ensure that one of you has gone through a second parent adoption so that both of you are able to care for him or her.
If these documents are prepared with a private attorney, the military will likely never be aware of their existence. Even if they do come to light, none are indicative of your sexuality in the same way that a marriage, civil union, or domestic partnership would be. While not as simple, easy, or comprehensive as marriage or marriage-like institutions, the above legal alternatives help to ensure that some of the most important rights and privileges still protect you and your family. Again, an attorney who specializes in this area can help to draft whatever documents would be most necessary given your situation.
DADT puts an increasingly painful burden on families of gay and lesbian soldiers as more states begin to offer relationship recognition. Fortunately, legal alternatives do exist. And though the military teaches LGB service members to ignore their sexuality, ignoring the risk your family faces without the aid of these legal structures is unwise.
Have a question, comment, or response? Share your thoughts.This Week in Gay News Roundup: 4/26 - 4/30
So much has happened on the gay rights front this week. Here is a review in case you missed anything:
- Florida's anti-gay adoption laws are being challenged in both the legislature and the court. Though the legislation is expected to die without a vote next week, the court will soon hold hearings on the issue. The case is an appeal from a lower court ruling that permitted a gay man, Martin Gill, to adopt two abused and neglected brothers. Florida's statute states that no homosexual is permitted to adopt, and is the only state law in the country that completely prohibits an individual from adopting on the basis of his or her sexuality. Via The Miami Herald.
- The New Hampshire Senate Judiciary Committee has recommended tabling a bill that would expand marriage rights to same-sex couples by a vote of 3-2. At least 12 of the state's 24 senators must now support the bill in order for a motion to pass to be entertained. Governor John Lynch, who prefers civil unions, has previously expressed opposition to same-sex marriage, but has not given an official statement on whether or not he intends to veto the bill if it survives the Senate. Via Reuters.
- Update: The Senate has passed the bill 13-11 after an amendment prohibiting polygamy and incestuous marriages was added. It now heads to the governor's desk.
- Iowa began distributing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples on Monday, 24 days after the Supreme Court's ruling that approved same-sex marriage. 380 couples took advantage of the law on the first day it was available, including 25 out-of-state couples. Because Iowa law requires a three day waiting period between application and receipt of a marriage license, today is the first day that these 380 couples can officially say that they are legally married. Congratulations!
- The American Constitution Society has begun distributing a new issue brief [pdf] with a novel explanation as to why California's Proposition 8 — the constitutional amendment that re-restricted marriage in the state — is unconstitutional:
[T]o the extent the rights to liberty, privacy, due process and equal protection have not themselves been changed, then the pre-existing interpretation of those rights in Marriage Cases [the suit in which the Supreme Court previously found the right to marriage] must control. Thus, even if Proposition 8 is construed as a permissible amendment (as opposed to a revision), it would necessarily violate separation of powers principles because it purports to dictate a specific interpretation of certain other — indisputably unchanged — constitutional provisions.
Essentially, ACS argues that Proposition 8 cannot simply change marriage law without also changing the fundamental basis upon which the Court found the right to marriage. To do so would unconstitutionally rob the Court of their power to interpret the constitution.
- On the heels of the Designated Beneficiary Agreement Act, Colorado's legislature has now also passed a bill allowing partners of gay and lesbian state employees to gain access to their partner's health insurance plan. The law would require that same-sex couples be in a committed relationship for at least one year before qualifying for the benefits.
- The Maine Senate Judiciary Committee has approved a bill that would open marriage to same-sex couples in the state by a vote of 11-2. The bill now moves to the full state Senate for their vote.
Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments.
Have a question, comment, or response? Share your thoughts.Resources for Parents Dealing with Anti-Gay Bullying
Today is the 13th annual National Day of Silence, a project of GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network) to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Today would also have been the 12th birthday of Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, a boy who committed suicide last week after endless anti-gay bullying and threats. In honor of both the Day of Silence and young Carl, I would like to compile a list of resources for parents who are dealing with anti-gay bullying in schools. These resources are relevant both to same-sex parents whose children are bullied for their parents' sexuality, as well as straight parents of LGBTQ children.
- Blogger Sanjay Chandra at Mom Logic published a terrific piece today featuring interviews with bullying experts who shared some of their ideas for helping manage the problem. My favorite tip came from Ross Ellis, director of Love Our Children USA about developing a "buddy system":
It's a fact that bullies rarely strike groups — they just don't have the guts. If your child is being harassed, make sure he or she walks around school with a friend, or is within earshot of a teacher. If someone does start bullying your kid, have them look the bully in the eye and say, "I don't like your teasing. Stop it right now." Then they should walk away and report the incident. If the bully pushes, teach your kid not to hit back. Bullies want a reaction, so if the victim reciprocates, the problem will worsen.
- Becoming involved in your child's school is a great way to create relationships with teachers and administrators if you later need to rely on their aid to handle a bullying problem. It will also allow you to connect with other parents with whom you can team up to combat bullying. Sometimes exposure is all parents and students need to understand that gay people are just as average and normal as they are. Robin McClure of About.com lists 12 ways you can Connect With Kids By Volunteering At School/Daycare.
- Encourage your son or daughter to participate in their school's Gay Straight Alliance. If their school does not have one, blogger Ellen Friedrichs walks you through the steps to start one. The sense of belonging and normalcy a GSA provides helps to stabilize a student's situation, and gives them a safe space to share openly with peers and receive support.
- Support groups are important for adults too, and meeting locations for gay and lesbian parents exist across the country. Gay parent magazine has a list of gay parent support groups listed state-by-state for you to attend. If you are having difficulty finding one in your area, a local gay and lesbian nonprofit or LGBT community center may be able to help.
- The Massachusetts Commission on Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth has put together a guide to bullying prevention that is useful for both parents and educators. See what your child's school's policy on anti-gay harassment is and if you feel that they are not equipped to deal with bullying, provide them with this resource.
- While I believe that an environment of diverse backgrounds and opinions is vital to building ones character, sometimes homeschooling is an appropriate solution for students who are in at-risk situations as a result of anti-gay bullying. It is not a solution that works for everyone, but it may be appropriate for your situation.
- The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook is an excellent resource for LGBT parents as well. The author, April Martin, is a lesbian parent and psychologist who provides her own knowledge and experience, as well as the advice of several dozen same-sex parents that she has interviewed. The information is invaluable and comprehensive and comes highly recommended.
Do you know of another great resource of same-sex parents or parents of LGBTQ children? Share it in the comments section.
Have a question, comment, or response? 1 person does.Why Second Parent Adoptions are Vital: How Same-Sex Couples Can Lose Their Kids
As same-sex couples win more legal rights and recognitions, it is important to remember that there are still many gaps in the law. Occasionally these gaps create legal battles that end with one or both partners losing rights they assumed they had. A New York case — Debra H. v. Janice R., ___ N.Y.S.2d ___, 2009 WL 943772 (N.Y. App. Div. 1 Dept. Apr. 9, 2009) — highlights this fact particularly well.
Two months prior to the birth of their child, Debra and Janice registered a domestic partnership in their home state of New York. A month later, the pair also entered into a civil union in Vermont. But two and a half years after the birth, the two women split up. Debra petitioned the court for custodial and visitation rights over the objections of her partner Janice, the child's birth mother. On October 9, 2008, the New York trial court found in favor of Debra, finding that she stood in loco parentis to the child. This means that although Debra was neither the child's biological mother nor an adoptive parent, the court was convinced that she acted sufficiently like a parent and deserved legal recognition.
However, on April 9, 2009, a New York appellate court reversed this decision and refused Debra any parental rights to the child she helped raise for two and a half years.
In the case of heterosexual married couples, a child born during the marriage is considered to be the biological child of both the husband and wife — even if there is evidence showing that the child is not biologically related to the husband. This same presumption does not apply to couples in a domestic partnership or civil union. Married same-sex couples should receive the same benefit of this parental presumption, though there has also not yet been a case on those facts. As a result, there is some legal uncertainty in this area. However, even without the force of this presumption, acting in loco parentis as Debra had done is typically sufficient to receive legal recognition.
The court's decision is based on a 1991 New York case — Matter of Alison D. v. Virginia M., 77 N.Y.2d 651 (N.Y. 1991) — which found that "a party who is neither the biological nor the adoptive parent of a child lacks standing to seek custody or visitation rights." While most states recognize that certain facts may make this automatic denial of standing unjust, New York still follows this rule. As a result, Debra is unable to receive legal rights including custody and visitation with her child.
The entire situation could have been avoided had Debra entered into a second parent adoption. Adopting your partner's child is an important step for gay and lesbian couples to take regardless of your state's position on marriage or civil unions. This area of law is particularly confusing for couples given that states have different rules about how to treat our relationships. Even more confusing is that within the same state, similarly situated same-sex and opposite-sex couples will be treated differently. One should never assume that their relationship will have the same legal footing as their heterosexual friends'.
Same-sex couples should consult with an attorney to ensure that all of their expected rights will be respected, especially if there is a child involved. Uncertainty in this area may never result in a problem, but discovering your lack of legal standing during a tremulous time can make an unpleasant situation even worse.
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