Mediation for Gay and Lesbian Break Ups
Family Fairness is honored to host a guest post from Family Mediator Rich Gordon. Mr. Gordon discusses the difficulties same-sex couples face when their relationships end. Unlike opposite-sex married couples, same-sex couples in long-term unions do not have the luxury of turning to the courts for assistance when determining child custody, property division, pets, bills, or any of the number of joint obligations taken on during a partnership. Instead, Mr. Gordon recommends these couples look to a family mediator for assistance:
Sarah and Beth have lived together for seven years. They intended to live happily ever after, but as too often happens, they drifted apart and their relationship started to strain at the edges. Communications was cut off. Sex was a bother rather than a pleasure. They no longer laughed together. It was time to end it and move on.
Unfortunately there were "entanglements" which had to be addressed. There was the house they purchased and decorated together. There were credit card bills to face. There were life insurance policies taken out during better times. They had but one car to share between the two of them. Who would get the dog? There was only one CD player and so many discs. The biggest issue, however, was Margo; Sarah had given birth, but both were the child's parents.
Unlike straight couples, gay and lesbian couples do not have the option of turning to the law for an answer. Straight couples can use case law and statutes to untangle their relationships and property; gay and lesbian couples cannot. The law often does not protect the individuals of a same sex marriage as it does heterosexual couples. There are no rights of spousal support, visitation, pension benefits or other community property protections.
One solution for this problem is mediation. Through this process, parties can work on solutions that are not available to them through the traditional court system. By selecting mediation, the parties in a dissolving relatcionship are choosing to take charge of their lives by maintaining their sense of dignity and self-esteem. They are saying that they prefer to end their relationship in a cooperative, forward thinking way, which minimizes the anger associated with the break up.
A skilled and experienced mediator is able to create a safe place and a cooperative environment that encourages the parties to engage in open and honest discussion. The mediator's role is that of an impartial neutral. He must identify the issues, explore each parties underlying interests, and balance the power within the relationship.
A mediator is NOT an advocate for either party, nor does he make the decisions which affect the settlement. They are trained to listen and help each of the parties to stay focused on the task at hand. During the course of mediation, the parties are encourage to discuss all of the issues and explore the various options they have to resolve their differences.
The final product of a successful mediation is a Memorandum of Understanding. This is analogous to the Martial Settlement Agreement for straight couples. The Memorandum of Understanding is a contract that sets forth the details and specifics of the mutually agreed to decisions. If either party breaches any of the terms, the other has a right to sue for enforcement in a court of law.
Have a question, comment, or response? Share your thoughts.How to take care of your children after you die
Certainly no one enjoys acknowledging their mortality. But there is a lot more to estate planning than simply thinking about your own death. Young parents are particularly guilty of not making arrangements in the event of their passing, which can leave young children in a difficult place financially and emotionally. Gay and lesbian parents often have particularly tragic cases, especially when their families cannot be held together by the benefits of marriage.
Fortunately, there are three relatively quick and easy steps to take that can help ensure that your children will be taken care of:
- Pick and name guardians - Make a list of short- and long-term guardians you want taking care of your children if you pass away. This will enable you to ensure that your children will be raised by the persons of your choice rather than, for example, a parent with whom you ideologically disagree. You can select your partner to be your child's guardian, which is especially useful if your partner has not completed a second parent adoption (which he/she should). You can also name siblings, friends, or other members of your family to care for your children in the event that both you and your partner are not able.
- Get Life Insurance Policy - Your selected guardian will likely not be prepared for the sudden extra expense your children will bring. To ensure that your child's quality of care is still sufficient, a life insurance policy helps to smooth the financial transition. For just a small amount of money each month, you can receive peace of mind that your children's guardian will have the financial resources to care for him or her. This is especially necessary if you are the primary earner in the relationship and your partner would need to care for your children.
- Leave behind mementos - Surely we plan to be around for all of the major stages in our child's life, but in the event of our early passing, your child may be deprived of having his or her mother or father with them during those important times. Leaving behind voice or video recordings or letters is a wonderful gift for a child who may have been too young at the time of your death to remember you and your life lessons. Leaving behind such a legacy will mean your child can still benefit from your values even if you are not there to provide them.
A good estate planning attorney should be able to assist you in all of these areas, as well draft a will or trust to handle your property. All of these steps just require a bit of pre-planning to help avoid a great deal of burden later on. While planning for the worst is difficult, the comfort of knowing that things will be taken care of is a substantial reward.
Have a question, comment, or response? Share your thoughts.Catholic Charities’ Religious Freedom and its Conflicts with Gay Marriage - A Rebuttal
Cornerstone Policy Research, the same organization that published fraudulent poll statistics about New Hampshire residents' views on same-sex marriage, recently posted a link to a Boston Globe article entitled Kids Take Back Seat to Gay Agenda by Jeff Jacoby. The article surrounds the decision Boston Catholic Charities made earlier this month to stop providing adoption services rather than comply with state law requiring the placement of children with same-sex families. Because Mr. Jacoby's version of the events omits several key facts, allow me to share the tale.
Boston Catholic Charities is an organization that provides, among many other services, adoption of children in need of a permanent home. Despite a unanimous vote by the charity's board to continue providing adoption services to same-sex couples, and the charity's role in placing 13 children in gay households, four Roman Catholic bishops sought to bar the practice and obtain an exemption from the state's nondiscrimination laws. Eight board members resigned in frustration over the Vatican's position. Boston Catholic Charities also feared the loss of its largest private donor, The United Way of Massachusetts Bay, if it were forced to adopt the Vatican's discriminatory position.
Jacoby wrongly frames the conflict as follows:
Caught between the rock of Catholic teaching, which regards such adoptions as "gravely immoral," and Massachusetts regulations, which bar adoption agencies from discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation, the Boston Archdiocese [. . .] was left with no option but to end a ministry it had been performing for a century.
But that is not the case. The conflict was between Boston Catholic Charities and the Vatican, not between the charity and state law. Had "religious freedom" not intervened, Boston Catholic Charities could have happily continued providing adoptions to gay and lesbian parents. Instead, the specter of religion stepped in and created a conflict where previously none had existed. Jacoby continues:
So important is that agenda [to normalize homosexual adoption] that they will allow nothing to stand in its way — not even the well-being of children in dire need of safe and loving families [. . . . ] The Human Rights Campaign and its friends would rather see this invaluable work come to an end than allow Catholic Charities to decline gay adoptions.
The church's request for a [religious exemption] should have been unobjectionable, at least to anyone whose priority is rescuing kids from foster care
However, requests for religious exemptions are not 'unobjectionable', Mr. Jacoby. For the same reason that Protestants cannot seek a religious exemption to exclude Catholics from employment, adoption providers may not evoke religion to discriminate against a protected class. This is not the case of a church simply asking to be left alone in its policies, but rather an agent of the state seeking to break the law. Because, according to tax reports, Catholic Charities received $1 million of state funds to provide adoption services, its actions are subject to state scrutiny in ways that churches' typically are not. The state is not paying the charity to espouse its religious beliefs, but to offer adoption services consistent with its laws. Any organization accepting taxpayer money with the mistaken assumption that it can later deny services to those same taxpayers is immediately suspect.
Naturally, Mr. Jacoby must end his article with familiar fear-mongering, the-sky-is-falling tactics to fulfill his agenda against marriage equality. To do so, he quotes a 2004 article that made predictions following Massachusetts's ruling to legalize same-sex marriage:
[T]he experience in other countries reveals that once these arrangements become law, there will be no live-and-let-live policy for those who differ. Gay-marriage proponents use the language of openness, tolerance, and diversity, yet one foreseeable effect of their success will be to usher in an era of intolerance and discrimination . . . Every person and every religion that disagrees will be labeled as bigoted and openly discriminated against. The ax will fall most heavily on religious persons and groups that don't go along. Religious institutions will be hit with lawsuits if they refuse to compromise their principles.
But, Mr. Jacoby, the irony of citing such an article is that it emphasizes that those 2004 doomsday predictions never panned out, just as these rehashed 2009 predictions will not either. The only "ax that fell" was that organizations continued to be required to comply with the laws of the states that fund them. This has nothing to do with gay marriage, but rather the dreadfully — according to Mr. Jacoby — proliferating belief that gay and lesbian citizens are equal and deserving of a life free from discrimination and intolerance.
Thirty years ago today, the White Night rioters fought to oppose a justice system and a police department that woefully failed them. It condoned the arresting, beating, and murdering of individuals for nothing more than their sexuality or their acceptance of gays and lesbians. The world we live in is a different one now, and it is no longer acceptable to use your personal beliefs as an excuse for looking down on your fellow man and for breaking the law.
Gay rights advocates have no interest in eroding religious freedoms. It is only because organizations have attempted to use religious freedom as a shield for their discrimination that the issue has even come up. It is not we, Mr. Jacoby, who are "allowing nothing to stand in our way," but you, who would rather see adoption providers close than place children in gay and lesbian households, and would rather the children of millions of same-sex couples be raised by unmarried parents than let gays and lesbians wed.
Misleading anecdotes, invested statistics, and twisted facts are all that support the five-year-old silly and incorrect predictions of Massachusetts downfall. And five years from now, when even more states have enacted laws respecting the equality of marriage inclusion, today's predictions will be just as silly and incorrect. Gay marriage is no threat to religious freedom, and those who espouse this belief perpetuate a mistaken fallacy at best and malfeasant lie at worst.
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Other recent rebuttals from Brian Cavner include: Moral Absolutism and why Sexual Behavior is Irrelevant to Marriage and "With Gay Marriage Comes Gay Divorce".
Have a question, comment, or response? 4 people do.Resources for Parents Dealing with Anti-Gay Bullying
Today is the 13th annual National Day of Silence, a project of GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network) to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Today would also have been the 12th birthday of Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, a boy who committed suicide last week after endless anti-gay bullying and threats. In honor of both the Day of Silence and young Carl, I would like to compile a list of resources for parents who are dealing with anti-gay bullying in schools. These resources are relevant both to same-sex parents whose children are bullied for their parents' sexuality, as well as straight parents of LGBTQ children.
- Blogger Sanjay Chandra at Mom Logic published a terrific piece today featuring interviews with bullying experts who shared some of their ideas for helping manage the problem. My favorite tip came from Ross Ellis, director of Love Our Children USA about developing a "buddy system":
It's a fact that bullies rarely strike groups — they just don't have the guts. If your child is being harassed, make sure he or she walks around school with a friend, or is within earshot of a teacher. If someone does start bullying your kid, have them look the bully in the eye and say, "I don't like your teasing. Stop it right now." Then they should walk away and report the incident. If the bully pushes, teach your kid not to hit back. Bullies want a reaction, so if the victim reciprocates, the problem will worsen.
- Becoming involved in your child's school is a great way to create relationships with teachers and administrators if you later need to rely on their aid to handle a bullying problem. It will also allow you to connect with other parents with whom you can team up to combat bullying. Sometimes exposure is all parents and students need to understand that gay people are just as average and normal as they are. Robin McClure of About.com lists 12 ways you can Connect With Kids By Volunteering At School/Daycare.
- Encourage your son or daughter to participate in their school's Gay Straight Alliance. If their school does not have one, blogger Ellen Friedrichs walks you through the steps to start one. The sense of belonging and normalcy a GSA provides helps to stabilize a student's situation, and gives them a safe space to share openly with peers and receive support.
- Support groups are important for adults too, and meeting locations for gay and lesbian parents exist across the country. Gay parent magazine has a list of gay parent support groups listed state-by-state for you to attend. If you are having difficulty finding one in your area, a local gay and lesbian nonprofit or LGBT community center may be able to help.
- The Massachusetts Commission on Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth has put together a guide to bullying prevention that is useful for both parents and educators. See what your child's school's policy on anti-gay harassment is and if you feel that they are not equipped to deal with bullying, provide them with this resource.
- While I believe that an environment of diverse backgrounds and opinions is vital to building ones character, sometimes homeschooling is an appropriate solution for students who are in at-risk situations as a result of anti-gay bullying. It is not a solution that works for everyone, but it may be appropriate for your situation.
- The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook is an excellent resource for LGBT parents as well. The author, April Martin, is a lesbian parent and psychologist who provides her own knowledge and experience, as well as the advice of several dozen same-sex parents that she has interviewed. The information is invaluable and comprehensive and comes highly recommended.
Do you know of another great resource of same-sex parents or parents of LGBTQ children? Share it in the comments section.
Have a question, comment, or response? 1 person does.Talking to Children About Our Families: A Free Online Resource
Family Equality Council has put together a a wonderful, free guide to Talking to Children About Our Families. The guide uses age-appropriate language and example answers for some of the tougher questions children of same-sex families face.
According to FEC:
The presumption of a mother and father creating a child (which may be valid for some of our children) is one with which our children will be saturated through their daily interactions with children’s books, the media, school personnel, peer discussions and exposure to various family models. It is your job as a parent, whether you identify as part of the LGBTQ community or not, to teach your children about different family constellations.
Raising a child in a non-traditional family presents a number of unique challenges, but this guide helps prepare parents for those inevitable bumps. Click here to read: Talking to Children About Our Families (pdf)
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